Be a Leader Before Being a Friend

One of our goals as a leader in youth ministry is to have strong and healthy relationships with students. However, it's important to maintain the difference between being a leader and being a friend. Problems can appear when those roles are reversed. The challenge is to be a leader first and a friend second. Let's look at a few qualities of each.

A Friend-First Leader will:
1. Obsess over their "cool status" with students
2. Be overly passionate and involved with teenage issues like drama, gossip, stuff at school, etc...
3. Hesitate to challenge students to go deeper in their faith

A leader-first leader doesn't care as much about being liked but is respected and trusted, asks the tough questions, and looks out for the students' best interest. While friends may emulate some of these qualities, leaders have all of these qualities.  Don't get me wrong: a leader will resemble a friend in certain ways, but knows where to draw that line.

For instance...

A Leader-First Leader will give:

1. Practical direction. While students' reactions may be hurtful at times, they do respect an adult who provides difficult guidance in a loving way. Whether students are going through positive or difficult situations, they're looking for adults who will give helpful direction- telling them what need to hear, not what they want to hear.

2. Biblical guidance. Friend-first leaders do not often get beyond the surface of a situation before quickly turning to something else- something that's not as threatening as God's truth. Help bring God's perspective into view by giving guidance that is rooted in God's word. Leaders need to be willing to challenge students to seek God in their daily lives.

3. Ongoing care. Our students will find plenty of surface or even fake relationships, however, they're thirsty for loving, authentic relationships. I want to challenge you you to be something different than what students are used to. Seek to love students in an authentic, healthy way. Affirm them in deeper ways than their friends do.

Being an adult leader who truly loves students doesn't mean you won't be likeable and fun to be around. But consider being cool in their eyes as a bonus, rather than your primary goal.

Training Videos

These videos are intended for you to use and help you develop as a leader. The material is copyrighted, please talk to Matt before you share the link with anyone outside Beachpoint!

Leaders Are Learners: Being An Effective Small Group Leader

Leaders Are Learners: A Simple Challenge

Leaders Are Learners: Caring For All, Caring For a Few

Leaders Are Learners: Conversations

Leaders Are Learners: Enhancing Relational Youth Ministry

Leaders Are Learners: Making a Difference


Leaders Are Learners: A Leader's Guide to Social Media

5 Reminders When Counseling People In Your LifeGroup

1. Be a Focused Listener

Remember that it’s a big deal that they are even coming to you to share what’s going on, so you need to honor that by listening well. Keep eye contact and actively listen with head nods and other non-verbal gestures to make sure they know you’re tuned in. 

2. Don’t Quick Fix

Fight the urge to fix everything for them right away! Just like us, most often the person knows what to do, they just need to feel heard and validated to do it! Once this happens, then you can give them a gentle nudge in the right direction and encourage them to respond appropriately. 

3. Get Them Into The Bible

Point your people to specific places in God’s word. Part of counseling is spiritual growth and maturity – and this will only happen if the person is directed to God and His Word. This doesn’t mean you have to be a Bible expert, but use all the resources you have available to you to counsel from Biblical truths, not just psychological ones. (Google, or bible.com are great tools to help you search for verses). 

4. Share From Your Own Experience

It often seems like God pairs up a group with the right leaders! As you’re dealing with difficult issues, think about your own life and share from a firsthand experience. Your authentic story wil always be met with more receptivity than a proposition about what they should do. 

5. Follow Up Is Key

If someone needs more help, schedule time to keep the conversation going or you can ask for pastoral help on the evaluation. Don’t be afraid to bring it up again, but be selective. No one responds to nagging! 

6 Weekly Tasks of a LifeGroup Leader

This is a guide for the leaders of all of Beachpoint's LifeGroups to know what is expected of them. It will help you be more effective in leading your LifeGroup and caring for students.

      1.    Pray for your LifeGroup members.

Pray for your people every week! You do the possible and ask God to do the impossible in their lives! Create a list of prayer requests during the group to help you remember what to pray for and what to follow up on! It’s also an excellent way to start off your discussion the following week to see together how God is answering prayer!

2.    Prepare to facilitate your LifeGroup.

A good LifeGroup leader doesn’t arrive unprepared to facilitate the discussion having spent less than 15 minutes looking at the questions. Be sure to carve out time to prepare. If you have a co-leader in the group, at least call to get on the same page, if not to talk about how you’ll work together that week. The earlier you prepare, the less you’ll be caught off guard by a difficult-to-grasp passage, issue or oddly written question. Good preparation will always lead to better discussion!

3.    Let God’s Spirit lead you during the discussion.

Be prepared to lead the discussion questions, but if you sense God doing something, move with Him. Don’t hide behind the Spirit and be unprepared, but don’t fight the Holy Spirit stirring either!

4.    Seek out the one.

      Be on the lookout for someone in your group who may need special attention. The signs can be subtle; they are more quiet than usual, more high strung, or they use language that hints at something that’s going on the inside that they’re afraid to talk about in the group. Chances are good that someone will need you more than the rest that week. When you get the feeling that someone needs some extra attention – you’re probably right and should seek them out for some one-on-one discussion.

5.    Direct people towards transformation.

Remember, the LifeGroup is an open door to discipleship. Challenge your group as a group and as individuals to take steps of transformation. It could be getting baptized, or serving, or beginning to read the Bible for themselves; whatever it may be, don’t shy away from leading them in this way!

6.    Follow up with people who weren’t there.

      A short text or phone call goes a LONG way. Make quick connections with the people who missed. Maybe the door will be open for significant conversation, and at the very least they’ll feel cared for and missed! If you’re calling students, try and use their home phone in the hopes that the parents will answer. This parental opportunity can create a great chance for you as the leader to brag on their kid, and in doing so, minister to them!

      How have you seen these tasks benefit your group? Share in the comments.