Abuse/Violence/Bullying

The Issue:

Abuse/violence/bullying can take many forms. It could be words people say or write (on paper or technology) that cut at people or wear them down. Abuse and bullying can also be physical including being hit or shoved or involving weapons. Sometimes this violence is targeted on purpose, sometimes it is random. How ever abuse/violence/bullying come about students are hurt and can often be devastated by what has happened. They can feel hopeless and worthless or may only be starting to experience feelings that lead them to these desperate places. Abuse/violence/bullying attack a student’s self-image, self-worth, and development.

The Concern:

Our students mean a lot to us and they mean a lot to God. We want them to view themselves as the special competent creation God made them to be. Abuse/violence/bullying attack this self-understanding in a huge way. It diminishes their understanding of how valuable they are and who they were made to be. These tragedies can also lead to many questions about God and how such things could happen under His watch.

The Bible:

Joseph was picked on by his brothers but God was at work preparing Joseph to serve Him greatly. Goliath tormented the Israelites until a small shepherd, David, came and defeated him with Godly confidence. Saul persecuted the church until God appeared to him on the road to Damascus and transformed his life. The Bible tells us stories of redemption and hope. Many of the Psalms are David’s writings when he is been attacked or chased. He vents and pleads for justice on the people oppressing him, but always holds out hope.

Places to start:

Be welcoming and inviting in your group. We all have things that could be made fun of, we don’t need anyone to point them out to us. We want to be relational. This means accepting differences not pointing them out. By leading in being relational with students, you can help them see hope in relationships and find people that really care about them. Help them come up with boundaries that can protect them from future abuse/violence/bullying. Check in with them and encourage them to keep these boundaries. Boundaries take courage, which can be hard for victims to muster.

If students are abused in any way make sure you talk to Brandon or Matt! A report may need to be filed with the police to help protect our students. This can be a challenging process, but it is for their good. Don’t try to protect them yourself.

Places to stay away:

Students who are able to talk about bullying/violence/abuse have often experienced pain over time. They have tried to manage it and cope with it themselves and now they are reaching out for help. Don’t minimize their pain or tell them things will get better with time. They have seen that time usually doesn’t change things and that’s why they are coming to you. Don’t blame them for being the victim. They could have made different choices to avoid a problem, but maybe not. After they have been hurt its too late to talk like this.

Where to learn more:

More verses to look at:

http://www.openbible.info/topics/bullying

http://christianteens.about.com/od/Bible_Verses_On/a/Bible-Verses-On-Bullying.htm

http://www.examiner.com/list/eleven-bible-verses-that-address-bullying

Cyber bullying:

stopcyberbullying.org

wiredsafety.com

More Info:

http://www.freetobeme.com/ive-been-bullied/

(this is not an endorsement of this site, but there is helpful information to understand what your student may be going through)

Sex/Dating Boundaries

The Issue:

To help us avoid sin or other things that are harmful we create boundaries to keep ourselves out of trouble. In dating, a relationship is growing on many levels including emotional, spiritual, social, and physical. It is a lot easier to focus on a new boyfriend or girlfriend and how amazing that person is than to focus on creating an environment for a healthy relationship to grow. Some things happen naturally, students spend more time together with someone and get to know each other and feelings grow. They start liking one another more and even start to fall in love, but what about the physical part? When is too soon to kiss, hold hands, or cuddle?

The Concern:

Sex (of any kind) changes a relationship. The Bible teaches that sex is designed for a married man and woman (10 Commandments, 1 Corinthians 6:12-7:9). Without boundaries and adults involved in students’ lives they are more likely to be sexual in a relationship more quickly. Most relationships in Jr. High and High School end. Break-ups can be hard enough, but when sex is involved pain goes deeper and issues such as unplanned pregnancy and STDs can come into play. Being a Christian means living differently from the world and seeking God’s design for life including sex.  

The Bible:

The Bible talks a lot about sexual immorality, which is unhealthy practices of sexuality. God designed Adam and Eve to be intimate and united. Jesus references this when he says “at the beginning the Creator 'made them male and female,'  and said, 'For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh' ?  So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate” (Matthew 19:4-6). The apostle Paul teaches a lot about living a righteous life in Christ, some great verses to look at are 1 Thessalonians 4:3-5 (controlling your body) and 1 Corinthians 6:18-20 (stay away from immorality).

Places to start:

Sex is worth saving for marriage and waiting to try. There is freedom in doing things God’s way and hope for redemption when we haven’t in the past but repent to follow Him. Talk about and model what healthy relationships look like. This could include having students over so they can see your relationship in daily life, it could mean grieving with students about mistakes their parents have made and helping them seek to do things differently, or it may mean challenging students by speaking truth to them and helping hold them accountable. Help them see situations and actions that may make sexual temptations stronger or weaker. Ask about why they are dating, how they see their boyfriend/girlfriend as a child of God, and whether they should date someone who isn’t a Christian and doesn’t share their values. Talk about purity in singleness too, this helps create a precedent in the student’s life.

Places to stay away:

It can be difficult, but try to balance minimizing or glorifying sex. Sexual temptation is a real issue our students face. We want them to hear God’s hope and truth about this important subject. A lot of times churches try to minimize talking about sex because it can be uncomfortable. We want God to transform every part of our lives including this one. At the same time overly talking about sex with your students can glorify it as a struggle and make it more of a focus than it should be. Be real about this issue and make yourself/group a safe place to talk about it, but don’t focus on it unnecessarily. There is grace and forgiveness for any sin, but this doesn’t mean we should continue in it. Sexual sin is very personal and harsh treatment or judgement for mistakes in this area can do a lot of damage. Practice grace and help students allow God transform this part of their lives if they make mistakes.

Where to learn more:

There is a lot out there about this subject, here are a few quick resources to start with:

Hugging, kissing, making out, how much is too much?

Is born again virginity possible?

What does the Bible say about teens dating?

For some larger resources look at:

The Volunteer’s Back Pocket Guide to Sex by Craig Gross and Cris Clapp Logan (Satch has a copy of this)

A Parent’s Guide to Understanding Sex and Dating by Mark Oestreicher

Boundaries by Henry Cloud and John Townsend