Sex/Dating Boundaries

The Issue:

To help us avoid sin or other things that are harmful we create boundaries to keep ourselves out of trouble. In dating, a relationship is growing on many levels including emotional, spiritual, social, and physical. It is a lot easier to focus on a new boyfriend or girlfriend and how amazing that person is than to focus on creating an environment for a healthy relationship to grow. Some things happen naturally, students spend more time together with someone and get to know each other and feelings grow. They start liking one another more and even start to fall in love, but what about the physical part? When is too soon to kiss, hold hands, or cuddle?

The Concern:

Sex (of any kind) changes a relationship. The Bible teaches that sex is designed for a married man and woman (10 Commandments, 1 Corinthians 6:12-7:9). Without boundaries and adults involved in students’ lives they are more likely to be sexual in a relationship more quickly. Most relationships in Jr. High and High School end. Break-ups can be hard enough, but when sex is involved pain goes deeper and issues such as unplanned pregnancy and STDs can come into play. Being a Christian means living differently from the world and seeking God’s design for life including sex.  

The Bible:

The Bible talks a lot about sexual immorality, which is unhealthy practices of sexuality. God designed Adam and Eve to be intimate and united. Jesus references this when he says “at the beginning the Creator 'made them male and female,'  and said, 'For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh' ?  So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate” (Matthew 19:4-6). The apostle Paul teaches a lot about living a righteous life in Christ, some great verses to look at are 1 Thessalonians 4:3-5 (controlling your body) and 1 Corinthians 6:18-20 (stay away from immorality).

Places to start:

Sex is worth saving for marriage and waiting to try. There is freedom in doing things God’s way and hope for redemption when we haven’t in the past but repent to follow Him. Talk about and model what healthy relationships look like. This could include having students over so they can see your relationship in daily life, it could mean grieving with students about mistakes their parents have made and helping them seek to do things differently, or it may mean challenging students by speaking truth to them and helping hold them accountable. Help them see situations and actions that may make sexual temptations stronger or weaker. Ask about why they are dating, how they see their boyfriend/girlfriend as a child of God, and whether they should date someone who isn’t a Christian and doesn’t share their values. Talk about purity in singleness too, this helps create a precedent in the student’s life.

Places to stay away:

It can be difficult, but try to balance minimizing or glorifying sex. Sexual temptation is a real issue our students face. We want them to hear God’s hope and truth about this important subject. A lot of times churches try to minimize talking about sex because it can be uncomfortable. We want God to transform every part of our lives including this one. At the same time overly talking about sex with your students can glorify it as a struggle and make it more of a focus than it should be. Be real about this issue and make yourself/group a safe place to talk about it, but don’t focus on it unnecessarily. There is grace and forgiveness for any sin, but this doesn’t mean we should continue in it. Sexual sin is very personal and harsh treatment or judgement for mistakes in this area can do a lot of damage. Practice grace and help students allow God transform this part of their lives if they make mistakes.

Where to learn more:

There is a lot out there about this subject, here are a few quick resources to start with:

Hugging, kissing, making out, how much is too much?

Is born again virginity possible?

What does the Bible say about teens dating?

For some larger resources look at:

The Volunteer’s Back Pocket Guide to Sex by Craig Gross and Cris Clapp Logan (Satch has a copy of this)

A Parent’s Guide to Understanding Sex and Dating by Mark Oestreicher

Boundaries by Henry Cloud and John Townsend